untitled

然後
發現自己是自己討厭的那一種人






天蠍想離家出走，放下所有，跟你私奔。

有事鍾無艷

turns out blogspot is my refugee spot
escaping from the surreal euphoria and/or pain


愛太深, 人會醉

醉了，會不經意的傷害自己愛的人。
心裡想著只想你好，但其實什麼是好也不知道。
好可悲的去愛著你。
怎樣做也不配你。
說著不要做自己後悔的事，卻重複又重複一樣的戲碼。

和而不同

i know that i will forget very easily, so just want to jot it down to remind myself.

i am this amateur girlfriend, who loves focusing on the negative and bad things of you but never really remind myself that you are good, and good.
i love comparing, complaining, moaning and crtisizing.
it was that moment after reading my friends' lil birthday card to me that i suddenly remembered again that, i am the one who is not understanding the true meaning of love, not practising love as i should do, as i have wanted to.
i have to improve. for you.

yesterday's conversation was about how in fact i feel ashame of my selfishness towards friends. i always have this feeling that i am nice to friends in a wrong way, and that i am always being 'nice' because i am wanting some sort of return.
mamee's way to give to her friends, without expecting any return is something i admire a lot but find it extremely difficult to do.
i hate how im always expecting others in return selfishly.

you are the one who teach me to understand that it is not possible to have a friend that is acting, thinking and behaving in an exactly or even very similar way to myself - how is it possible?
but it does not mean that they are not my friends. because afterall there are many different types of friends in life right?
yes, it seems such an easy answer right? but it is taking at least 20+ years to fully comprehend. and im still trying.
why?



love.
how do i know i love you?
how would i know that i will always love you?
because feelings fade right?
i started our relationship on feelings, is that wrong?
your answers to me blown me away you know?
i dont remember all of it because i remember i was crying hard in your arms.
you told me you started our relationship based on thinking that i was different from the others.
then you told me i was the only friend whom you could tell me and talk to me about anything and everything.
you told me you want to live with me in the future.
it may be habit in our relationship, but these habits are our habits.
what i actually remember most is how you trust in love so much and that although i have always said that you dont know me too well as i may do, you actually do know me very well - it may just take a bit of pushing to let you explain how you know me well.
'forcing' you to verbalize all your love to me was not intentional but your answers were surely assuring to me.

now i know. it's not easy.
loving is not easy.
i need to put effort in not only managing our relationship but keep reminding myself that it's a committment im putting myself into. it's not taking up some sort of activity. freshness does not mean a thing. silence does not mean a thing. it's the sentiments we have in each other, the desire to spend time with each other and the patience we are willing to pay that are important.

do i really understand?
i doubt it.
but at least i will try not to c, c, c and m but being geniunely grateful.

finding the way

two biggest two : a letter to you my friends

第廿二年過去了。
跟平常不太一樣，我有幾件事很記得。
在ｔｏｗｅｒｓ　ｗａｔｓｏｎ的兩個月我很深刻，ｆｉｏｎａ對我的好永遠也會記得。
在ｃｒｏｓｓｒｏａｄｓ的我也會永遠記得；是真真正正第一次覺得自己把人和人連結起來。
我記得自己在和爸媽的談話中哭得傻了（數次）。
我記得上一年跟妳們的慶生晚飯中做了嚇了妳們，也嚇怕自己的熱血事件。
我記得在ｔｉｆｆａｎｙ的婚禮開始的時候感動哭了。
我記得一個多月不見，坐了這一生最累的飛機旅程然後我在機場看到了你，但還要堅持要你先找到我的自己（真是欠扁的天蠍）。


我其實不是不想/不喜歡慶生，但從前的我決定了不要再期待了－沒期望不會有失望。
這一年，我也一樣。（我說謊，我對你是有期望的 :P)
但就因為這樣，我得到了很多。
家人一起的晚飯太好了。
和agnes，sandy的一個早上也很開心。
你給我的［驚喜］只有喜。
最快樂的是，十個人一起的晚飯。
很是感動，真的。

其實我很麻煩的全都猜到妳們倆有禮物要送我；知道妳們在１０３把卡片給其他的妳們寫；知道妳買了生日蛋糕；知道妳們在桌子下寫我的卡片。
［現在明白為何我會失望吧？我多喜歡發白日夢！］
每一刻心都很感動。
尤其是我自己是自私的一個，都很少為妳們慶生。

今天我在回家的路上看著卡片，哭得像個豬頭一樣。
我沒想過有人會想幫我慶生，我沒想過我是特別的一個，我沒想過自己的擁抱和小小的短訊有任何作用。
在我心中，我是一個不好的朋友。儘管我可能比起別人是一個很會關心人的朋友，但我的方法全都是錯的。

ＴＴ：
我每次也罵妳似的說妳跟他不應該這樣，不應該那樣。但其實我也不懂愛，我只是不想妳被人傷害。我每次這樣跟妳說之後也很不喜歡自己的做法，因為我也知道自己很討厭。i do love you.

ＳＳ：
我無間斷的把妳當作是我的垃圾桶，什麼東西也跟妳說，我覺得自己很自私。you are my meant to be.

ＷＷＨ：
我們笑是因為妳的笑容感染力太強。我會娶妳的，不用自己娶自己。you are my VIP.

ＦＹＬ：
我一點也沒有覺得自己有幫助過妳。you are stronger than you think.

ＹＣＮ：
妳是我的火的來源。i admire your passion, my cowardness is my despite.

ｐｉｇｇｙ：
bear with my flaws. you mean a lot. trust yourself, love yourself.

Ｖ：
i love all the chats with you. it's incredibly interesting. :P

Ｔ：
就是喜歡看妳的日誌。誰叫妳７０％以上的對話只在妳的大腦袋進行。:P

Ａ：
有一天，妳會可以打開妳的心的。不用急，但要嘗試。我幫妳找幸福。



是多肉麻和自負的一段話。
是生日瘋了。
是內分泌失調。
應該快ｍ到了。
:P